I've been talking to people a lot lately about the general perception that I'm arrogant. I always think I'm right. I'm a poor listener because I'm just waiting for the dribble to conclude while I'm thinking of my response to the person's idiocy. I'm picky about my friends and can't be bothered to appear nice. Even when I try to be nice it's to gratify my own ego and assert myself as a good person. I tend to value results over relationships and in the process hurt people around me with my attitude. I'm always fishing for comments about how great I am by pretending to be lowly. All this drives me crazy. I eventually get told that I'm not that bad and that I'm a really nice person but how many people get to know me that well?
I get told over and over again that I need to take it down a peg or two. In fact one of my colleagues who I just met for the first time told me this at the earliest opportunity. It's something that has stuck with me my entire adult life. Well I decided to dig deep and psychoanalyse myself and this is the conclusion I have come up with.
When I was growing up, I got called names like useless, lazy and stupid quite a lot. I didn't have much luck with the ladies. My twin brother was always described as better looking and charming. I had a big head and thick lips (still do!) so I thought I was really ugly. I was called "elete pomo", Philip and Calypso (figured out why?!). I was always compared with other people on so many fronts. I was a lousy football player so as a kid you can imagine how I got taunted. I was never selected for any sports teams. Granted I did well at school but that was so uncool. I had such low self esteem that I didn't think I would amount to much.
So what did I do? Sometime in University I realised that the very things I could do well could take me places. Being a chick magnet or a hunk won't help you become a good husband and father. I didn't realise it but I began to overcompensate for my low self-esteem by appearing smart. I wanted to prove to all those people that called me useless and lazy and no-good that I could be something. I always had to be heard and acknowledged. And the better I did at appearing smart, the more arrogant I became. And the societal system we have compares everyone. By my second job, I was the second youngest on my position and adjudged as one of the top five on that grade. I thought "now I can show them I'm not stupid". I got into one of the top consulting firms with lot's of smart people so I had to do even more to prove myself. More arrogance set in.
That's how I got here. Now I need to undo years of damage.
If there's one thing I must do this year it is eat humble pie. Prov 11:2 says "When pride cometh, then cometh shame: but with the lowly is wisdom".
Can anyone help me?
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18 comments:
Hey
I know u but I will not disclose my ID. I am suprised that u would describe yourself as arrogant. I'd have thought this sounds more like ur brother but hey what can I say!!!
Be that as it may, I am glad u did a check and honestly u are the better for it. It's hard to be modest in a country where people have to boast to be recognised but its better for one to humble one's self so he or she be elevated.
It's always better to be understated and be seen as the fall guy or underdog.
He that is down needs fear no fall.
Good right up. God help u and bless u with humility in the yr 2008. Cheers
Thanks for the comment. It really means a lot to me. I guess different people see you differently.
I think one of the things I need to do is not take myself so seriously.
I really need to pray more about it so I don't become something I despise.
Regards
Prince,ur not arrogant, just smug...Ok, Ok, its probably not true. But u know how people can believe whatever they like to about others. Ur not as arrogant as u know who and ur a better brother, father, and son, so there!!
Thanks my sister. At least I don't come across that way to everybody. One of my colleaugues told me that writing this article is a sign of humility. I'm just about ready to take advice from anyone right now.
wow! Kenny, that was deep stuff. I read your stuff and I told myself "God is about to take this man to another level". Because if he is taking you through the introspectionyou are doing, it is for a reason. As much as I dont care about what people say, I accept that there is a basis for the things people say about me or anything for that matter. Whether right or wrong! And when they do and God gives us the privilege to hear such things, it is for ONLY one purpose: For God to work out his divine purpose in us. so I congratulate you my brother, not too many people get the privilege to prepare for something great in their lives.
cheers man!
GB
Dude.... we've been friends for a while ...(since Lag), and I can tell you one thing, ure a pretty nice dude if you ask me. However, one must, (as you have) sometimes look outwards and take criticism or feedback from others. Be that as it may, I know you, and I agree that a few of our mutual friends may have at one time or the other said you were arrogant. One quote that aptly applies to this situation is:- "Humility is the ability to display your God given abilities by his grace, WITHOUT trampling on your fellow man". You should never think that using /displaying your gifts, talents or natural abilities is diplaying arrogance (there are even Biblical justifications of why you should always use your talents). what you need to learn is just discerning how to use / display these abilities based on your audience. Never hide your light under a bushel, but you must consider the present need, condition and maturity of your audience, and avoid unecessary or un-needed diplays of intelligence. People will say you are arrogant if in some way or the other they do not understand you, and do not feel you are empathic to their current condition. its usually less about you and how great or intelligent you are, and more about how "they" feel (How in tune you are with their emotional state). You cannot communicate with a person on the same emotional frequencey all the time, much less with everyone on the same emotional frequency at all times.
I wrote a long response to you yesterday but lost it somewhere between clicking on "publish" and screaming "damn, I can't believe I just lost that!". Yeah, shit really does happen.
Highlights from what I wrote, Accenture bullet-point style:
* Nigerian kids sure can be ingenious when they want to be. "Elete Pomo" had me laughing till my sides hurt (still laughing now). "Phillip" and "Kalypso" are also quite good, but that "Elete Pomo" is just way too good. Sorry man :)
* I totally agree with the outcome of your introspection - you do APPEAR arrogant. I still can't believe I took the time to respond to your post (twice for that matter) because I haven't really liked you since I met you (even thought I don't know you). I guess it has to do with the way you reacted sometime in 2007 when I tried to be friendly with you. You gave me a look like I was after your wallet or something and I just backed off. I made a mental note that you were full of yourself and stopped paying you any attention. So when I came across your message on FB (still wonder why I accepted your invitation in the first place, but now I'm happy I did!) I actually wasn't going to follow the link, but the title caught me eye, and here I am.
* But notice I said you APPEAR arrogant. For all I know you might be the sweetest guy on the planet, who is just putting up a front to protect himself. And your post indicates that this MAY BE the case, i.e. you are not arrogant, only fronting to protect yourself. I know about such things coz I've been accused of the same. People have said I'm aloof, cold, uncaring, insensitive, proud, arrogant, "I no send", etc. So I can relate. What these people don't know is that I'm very reluctant to talk about myself and I keep a very small circle of friends. Why? Becase I'm shy and am a very private person. Also I don't smile a lot. Put all that together and it's understandable when people that don't know me but see me jump to the conclusion that I'm arrogant.
SIDE NOTE: We have more in common than being called arrogant. While you were getting called "EP" in school, I was getting called "Pepeye" or "Donald Duck". Just like you I dug into the books when I realized I would never be like the happening guys in school. So I totally feel where you are coming from.
* Having said all that I'll end with this - you can be who ever you want to be. If you think you are coming across as arrogant (which I agree with) and you feel that is not the person you wish to be, then you have the power to change it. Don't forget, EP has grown to become a tall, relatively good looking man. When you try to over compensate others not as intelligent as yourself or as physically striking (as per your height and build) may feel intimidated. So just be you and don't try so hard to prove a point.
PS. It would also help if you listened more. Nothing reinforces the perception of arrogance than know-it-allism!
Wow!
I must say I am humbled by the comments on this post. It shows that people care enough to make comments. If you guys didn't care whether I veered off to a point of personal destruction I wouldn't have gotten this feedback.
Although I like to say that I don't care what people say about me, I really do. Not that I want everybody to like me because to try that would be impossible. the very things that you do that one person likes could be the same thing that one person hates.
I believe that God is taking Nigeria to the next level and everyone who wrote something on this page will be part of that. Why do I say so? Because you care enough about other people to help them. Being selfless is what we need in Nigeria today.
@the second to the last comment: I'm begining to realise that it's okay to make mistakes and not have all the answers. I just finished a meeting with a colleague and quite unlike me, asked him for the meaning of a couple of things I didn't understand. Before I would have gone back to my desk and googled the answer because I have to appear like I know it all.
@the last comment. I wonder how many people I've left with this impression. People who are honest enough eventually tell me but there are probably more people out there who just don't like me for the same reason you just mentioned. I'm the kind of person that prefers to be alone because I just don't want anybody to see through my charade and eventually know that I'm not all that. I don't really have deep friendships outside of my wife for this reason. She's the only one that sees me cry. She sees my frailties and faults. But I don't let anybody else see me at such moments. I continue to perpetrate the image of someone who has it all figured out.
I really wish you had left your name because I would have loved to engage you some more. You seem to have quite some insight into human nature.
I will continue to make an active effort to remedy the situation whenever I get the opportunity. Sadly, I also have to live with teh eality that I won't get that chance with some people. They'll probably continue to see me this way.
So my journey through life continues. Trying to better myself and be more of what I want God wants me to be and not what my circumstances make me.
Kshorty1
I really don’t think of you as arrogant. I think you are cool. Going by some of the comments of others here I’ll just say you might need to work a bit on your people relations not like you don’t mix well enough already but maybe listen to others and make them see you ain’t trying to sound like the always smart guy (but doesn’t mean you ain’t always smart).
Hey you really are good looking so forget all those jabs young people are often just haters.
So for the records I’ll say you a hunk, a great husband and a wonderful father to those cuties. We all are not all perfect just striving to atain perfection so all the best.
You are great!
Kudos for taking this introspective look at yourself. It takes GUTS to do that in public and you WILL DEFINITELY be better for it.
I've worked in same office with you b4 and you do appear arrogant, you sound arrogant and you talk arrogantly [sometimes]. Sometimes, you gave people a look like "how can you be so stupid to have made such a mistake or how can you say something as stupid as that" when all the person was doing was expressing an opinion. Also you not too subtly drop hints of what you've achieved.
That turned me off and I stayed away. Now it may be that getting closer to you, I may actually realize you're not like that (your explanation gives reasons for this attitude).
I must say that it's not going to be easy to change attitude or behavior. Sometimes, you will want to react the same way you used to do. Also not everyone will appreciate the effort you're making (not that you have to satisfy everyone), but the fact that you have on your own decided to do something is a very brave thing. If nothing else, that also motivates me to go work on my own personal issues. Life is all about growing.
I wish you the very best.
I don't know you but when you refer to people publicly as Mugus, it smacks of arrogance. People can make mistakes for whatever reasons but that's why they're human. They learn from it. Sometimes it's not a mistake but things didn't work out. Referring to them as mugus, is definitely not it.
@ Last Anonymous comment.
I also foolishly invested in one of those schemes and lost money. If you notice I created the group and am also a member. So that means...you guessed it, I was also a mugu!
My family lost quite a bit of money to this scheme. We went through months of financial turmoil. Looking back I can see that I was motivated by greed. How could I have believed such fantastic returns?
So this group is not about me insulting anybody. Rather it's about banding together with people who went through the same thing I did. Hopefully we can learn from this and pass the message to others.
The next time there is a surge in these schemes, we'll be wiser for it.
PS: I would have thought you would post this directly in the group discussion board. This topic is about something different.
Hey Man,
Just to let you know you're not alone with your problem. As a child I was always the 'little kid', not as 'special' as my (much older) brother & sister, not as tall as my friends, not as loved as the rest of my class, ...
So during the time I was a teenager I (just like anyone else) searched for what I could do better & found out that the thing I was really good in, was simply being 'different' than the rest. You can say I was experimental, anti-social, agressive, daredevil, but most of all a big mouth who never lost any discussions.
So I steadily became the outsider I always was and I felt good in this position. And as an outsider I started to associate with other outsiders and started experimenting with all sorts of drugs, violence, ... up to the point that I realized these things would destroy me in the long run.
So one day I turned my life upside down and tried to re-make contact with 'normal' people again, but found myself way off course. No one could understand me and all the things I had been doing, but I(the special experimenter with much more experience & stories in life), "I" could understand everyone (at least that was what I was thinking...) That's where I started to get really smug & arrogant. Everyone else was foolish to grow up and sort their lives (carreer, marriage, children, ... all the things I lost my faith in) and I turned my back on 'normal' life once again and became more and more isolated from the rest. I quit my job, broke up with my girlfriend and even turned my back against the only real friends & family I had (because I didn't feel understood by anyone).
I know I'm smug, arrogant and difficult, but deep down I know I'm not a bad person. I love people and deep down I just want to be part of them (just like anyone else).
That is why your post here has made me realize I must do something right now. But that something that I must do, I have to search within myself. It will be a hard and difficult road to change my view in life, but your post (and all the replies) give me the confidence that I can do it and that there are others with similar problems.
So, kshorty1, you did a good thing for someone else right here (me). And I thank you with all my heart.
@ Last anonymous post
I'm really moved by your post. I guess I'm not alone. I feel God is about to take you from where you are to another level. God can use anything and anyone so I feel blessed that I helped others in trying to help myself. I guess that's what being a Christian is all about. Helping people bring out the best in themselves and being a blessing without expecting or getting anything for it.
I really wish you all the best and please send me an email if you would like to talk some more.
Take care and God bless
sorry for my terrible response on fb.
but i didn't think you were arrogant even though we've had little or no interactions on fb. (well, i just thought you were too forward and insensitive when you made that comment about my height in one of my pics- the one that i stood in the middle of two white girls.)
i would not have imagined calling you arrogant. i would say you're bubbly, yes-opinionated, jolly fella, clown-you have a good sense of humour, good writer.
but,i guess you know yourself and of course, from the report you got from friends, it might be worthy of note to a self audit and make room for change. (to thine own self true uh?)
moving on and seeing the desired change will be, not dwelling so much on what and what made you the way you are but a genuine 360degree turn around and of course by the help of the Holy Spirit. I leave by saying, you can do all things through Christ that strengthens you. amen.
sorry for my terrible response on fb.
but i didn't think you were arrogant even though we've had little or no interactions on fb. (well, i just thought you were too forward and insensitive when you made that comment about my height in one of my pics- the one that i stood in the middle of two white girls.)
i would not have imagined calling you arrogant. i would say you're bubbly, yes-opinionated, jolly fella, clown-you have a good sense of humour, good writer.
but,i guess you know yourself and of course, from the report you got from friends, it might be worthy of note to a self audit and make room for change. (to thine own self true uh?)
moving on and seeing the desired change will be, not dwelling so much on what and what made you the way you are but a genuine 360degree turn around and of course by the help of the Holy Spirit. I leave by saying, you can do all things through Christ that strengthens you. amen.
@ Funmi Bucknor: Thanks for the comment. People really do think I'm forward. I once got to an interview and asked the interviewer for her name in a way that suggested I was the one doing the interview and she was lucky to be interviewing me. The lady promptly told me I was too forward. Of course I didn't get the job!
Insensitive? Most likely! I tend to think other people can take yabs like I can so I dish out as much as I can take. There is almost nothing that anyone can say to me that I take seriously so I erroneously think everyone is like that. But it's always out of fun and not an attempt to make anyone feel bad. I think I have to work on this. Not everyone reacts positively to "yabis".
God has really been working on me to remove all forms of pride and arrogance. Jesus has to increase while I decrease until there is none of me and all of Him. I'm still on the journey.
Thanks and God bless.
Anwsers will help me too. I kno im arragant and dont come off very niclely... i come off more as
Cocky Intemidating and Snobby
:(
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